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FCKH8.com Straight Talk About Gay Marriage from FCKH8.com on Vimeo.



I'm finna buy some shit.


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formspring.me/autumnsays

I took this survey July 17 and again September 15/16. 2009

Now July 19, 2010

Which would be more meaningful to you: I love you a lot, I love you so much?

uhh..i love you. (:

yep.

I agree with them.

Do you like your cell phone? Or do you wish you had a new one?

i'm looking forward to the new one i'm getting?

my cell phone is fine.

Obviously not high maintenance bc I’m still good.

Do you prefer to call or text?

um, calls.

yes.

Yass. I really only prefer txts if I wanna hear from you all damn day lol.

Does it piss you off that stupid sixth graders think they're in love?

i was not aware of this nor do i care..lol

why should i care?

this is STILL a really weird question.

Do you like it when people play with your hair?

do you mean pull? lol..i like when my sister does my hair.

(:

Yeah I do. But wash your hands because I’m all types of particular about my hair care.

When was the last time you completely broke down?

3..4 days ago?

day before school? sometime before school.

May.

Anything you're looking forward to?

saturday?

my audition and the fuckshitting weekend and anything janet lol.

Trying to figure out what that audition thing was, maybe for chamber ensemble?  But looking forward to reading The Interpretation of Dreams! & To find out my plans for Thursday.

Would you ever try being a vegetarian?

i used to be, but i couldn't.

i'm thinking of going vegan when i'm 20.

Wow I am nuts lol.  One day I will probably join a cult of Prince worshippers and be vegan as a result.  So, yes.

When you like someone, do you picture what your children will look like?

lol, nope. but they would be freakin gorgeous! (=

nooo. ugh, that was true.

Those were both definitely about Gerald. But to answer the question, I like HIM and we already have 2 beautiful kids.

Who was the last person you texted?

marcus.

this annoying automatic thingie.

HEE-JIN ALYSA KIM I LOVE YOU SWEET THANG

What was the highlight of your day?

bringing the day in (=

when mr. cotter smiled at mee.

Oh mr. cotter.  But probably getting my check and receiving random messages from he who makes me smile and skeet.

What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

love & basketball? the best man!

and monster-in-law, and other cheesy shit.

Yeah that sums it all up pretty well.

Who do you have texts from in your inbox?

oh lord; marcus, gerald, danielle, kayla, cazre, bubby, kota, ref, greg, katya, dee (=, mommy, some random guy named dave, jamie, will, & alle baba

oh lord. jamie, kayla, danielle, bubby, shaneekwa, davion, mama, rolo, dee, seon, kota, lu alerts (=, toya, devante. mind you i dont txt, so they all old as shit

ew katya. ew REF! ew DAVION! omggg ew lol but um:  bam, seon, cazre, steve, liz, dee, gregorium, demetria, coot, glen coco, gianya, twitair, rico suave, self, best friend joe, nosebleed mcgee, rachel, sprint, alle baba, gerald, jared the fatty, rolo, mama, and big bertha

Are you one of those twilight crazy people?

the books are not worth the hoopla.

no thanks.

nope

When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?

uh...as long as i'm living, i'm fine. (:

yep. living & healthy.

Wow I’ve had that philosophy for a while now

Last person you told a secret?

gerald doesn't let me have secrets.

damn it sounded like he owned me. sheesh but yeah i still don't have secrets.

ditto. I always confide in someone rather quickly.

Who was the last person you were in a car with?

siSTAR & mama.

yep [:

pops

Your phone is ringing. It's your ex. What do you say?

um, you look at the phone & say nigga please!

it's a bad time. lol it's alwaaaays a bad time nugga!

hay

Red Bull?

nah.

nah?

I guess

Is there someone you'd really like to just hang out with and talk about stuff?

emmm?

taylor! and steve? yeah steve too.

aw I still feel the same. but right now, big bertha because she is going to korea for the rest of ever ): also gregorium, alle baba, cazre, all my friends?

Think back to June 2007, were you single?

hmmm..nope.

....

I’m glad I remembered the first time around bc I sure don’t now.

Do you want to get married and have children one day?

[:

child(ren) definitely. marriage: if it's for me, yes.

ditto

Could you cry right now?

nah.

i'm sure if i forced myself

I don’t think so. Not unless a monster came into my room

Will you be single over summer?

no.

oh summer how i miss you so. not really, just....ahhh.

lol no (:

Do you hope your children are like you one day?

no! lmao. kinda.

haha yes & no. i want them to grow up fast like i did, but love their childhood like i never really could, for as long as i should have anyways.

Well that explains why I’m still holding on to childhood, doesn’t it. And I rather they have different personalities but the same logic.  Why would you want the same contribution to society two generations in a row?

Have you ever dropped your cell phone in water?

not this one, my last one.

Lalalalala

at some point yes

Would you be surprised if you parents had another baby together?

hell yes.

mmhm.

HAHA I seriously wouldn’t think it was my pops. Or my mama’s lol.  But if we’re speaking biological parents, hell yes.

Has 2009 been good for you so far?

it's been a learning experience.

so-so

2010 has been rocky, thanks for asking

Your sister tells you she's in jail, what do you say?

it's because of nicholas isn't it.

same thing

HA yeah.

Someone leaves a note and flowers on your car, cute or tacky?

i don't own a car. d:

rawr rawr rawr

still a bum

Would you ever date someone who was conceited?

hell no.

no thank you

not exactly.

Are you currently reading a book?

yes. a couple thousand.

no )':

YES and no wonder I was miserable at that time

Would you cry if you found out one of your friends were pregnant?

no...

maybe, because of being so emotional.

If she told me face to face.

Today, would you rather go forward a week or back a week?

forward?

yeah probably forward.

Forward!

Your best friend randomly starts hating you. What do you do?

say i never knew you could be so dumb.

word.

heck yes. and tell greg on them.

Would you ever go on a game show if you were offered?

no i'd be scared as shit!

yes! lol idk why i'd be scared

yes! monay!

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking weed?

haha, yes.

watch me!

still walkin strong

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?

work.

*checks for heartbeat

yeah it's still inside of me.

lol I was a funny lad. he’s home.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?

idk maybe.

maybe?

Isn’t that just the way things go?

Do you laugh a lot?

yes people tell me that a lot.

yes but it's quiet actually.

YEAH, love to

Who are you spending your summer with this year?

people.

most likely mr. clark lol.

that didn’t happen ): but books, my laptop, music, people I love & vice versa, and movies and tyra. hoorah!

Do you believe in karma?

yes..

yes still.

fate.

Did you have a good birthday this year?

uhhhh

last year was so joyful

my sweet 16 was soooo much better than yours, fareals.

Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?

do you mean is a hoe trying to creep on my man? yes.

hell yes!

HA duh, how can you not?  And nobody was checkin for gerald, lol.

Are you a boy or a girl?

lmao, fem.

*checks for weiner

girl!

i’m a season..

Last time you held a baby?

a week & some change ago.

sunday.....same baby lol

aw she’s 1 years old now (= but last time I held a baby was my niece on saturday and she’s a newborn.

Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

bloomingdales i think.

gap. 2 for $10 tanks wooot!

not sure if I’m wearing a shirt.

Are you a jealous person?

no, possessive of what is mine.

i get very greedy about my friends, yes.

I agree with female number 1.

Is there anything that you are craving right now?

yes (:

ice cream that i have not opened.

a nice sleep and he.

Do you like being kissed spontaneously or asked?

hahaha spontaneity.

yes

yass you better work!

Has anything happened to you in the past month that made you really mad?

errrrm yes

people kept telling me to go to the nurse & the nurse was rude and mean.

I haven’t seen the people I’d like to, and one of them is now in cali. Another is in korea. & I know the reasons I haven’t seen people are my fault.

Enjoyed?

Tell me it's not just a dream

and if it is, my heart believes that you are mine and this is real.

Sigh...you're suddenly uninterested and pushing me away and unfortunately for you, I'm not a chaser.  Best of luck to you until you come around.  That's all I know to say right now.


Beautiful girls, all over the world.  I could be chasin, but my time would be wasted...they got nothin on you.
*rocks head
[:

when are we getting married and having kids?

aww you wanna have my babies?

& what you mean when we getting married? you forgot our fucking wedding date? is this what our relationship means to you? there's another woman, isn't there.

Ask me anything.

can i have your heart?

aww. really? do we talk? you should tell me who you are before i start having fantasies and daydreams. [:

& you think i'm joking, i'm not lol.

Ask me anything.

“Mejor sola que mal acompañada” –Veronica Chambers

She's a children's author and I agree with that so much. You are better off alone that badly accompanied.

Now that I sorrowfully look back on the times of our relationship, I can also see how I'm benefitting from being freed of it. You were definitely an amazing friend. You always wanted to know what was going on in my life, and you wanted to be a big part of it. It was beautiful that we survived together in so many rough spots, with you being shot and us getting through it supporting each other, when you know what happened with your dad and we got through it supporting each other, and all of the family-related hate and difficulties I went through and us getting through that supporting each other. You were a great person and a reliable friend. I think when you mature more as far as being a boyfriend and rising in all of the expectations and heavy responsibilities, you'll be a great partner. I will definitely miss having you in my life, but I think the position of a boyfriend can be filled again…maybe even better than it was with you. I do have faith. But when I was with you, I was always worried. I was constantly thinking you were gonna break up with me, and especially when you went away, I thought I could lose you to an irrelevant biddie. I was very scared of life without you, like when you had that one tantrum and wouldn't talk to me and I had a nervous breakdown. You were such an importance to me that I couldn't go a week without hearing from you. Idk if I could do it now, even. It was a lot of stress to be with you because the better you became at what you did, the more I knew I would be unstable and lose my mind if I lost you. So after I get over you, it will be beneficial to lose all that stress.

Now. I lose people all the time and it's just a part of life that I've gone through many times already. It takes some time to stop being constantly gloomy over losing someone, but you can never get over losing a unique someone that was close to you for a long time. But I will get over you as a person..to love again. What will hurt me eternally is that you hurt me. I relied on you so much and I cared for you greatly. I thought you felt the same way about me, but if you went flirting with a baboon-faced chick then obviously you did not care about my feelings. You directly broke my heart. I cried to you about how I was worried about this exact shit happening. And you assured me that I didn't have to worry about any girl taking you away from me. Dick. And the fact that you won't apologize. What is wrong with you? I never was unfaithful. That's one thing that I will not stand for in a relationship. You basically asked me to break up with you by doing that. But we were so deep in our relationship..how can you go hurt me like that? And when you have a chance to maybe redeem a small part of yourself and man up to your mistake, you won't even do it. Pussy. Grow up and lose your pride when you know you're in the wrong.

I really want to thank you for introducing me to being in love and teaching me that love can happen. When we first started talking, I did not want a man nor did I see marriage in my future. But you showed me the beauty of love & being in love and I cherish that now. Thanks. I felt like Brandy's Love in on My Side when I was with you. But apparently, I didn't have you.

It's quite grimey that I'm gonna talk about a new guy in this same post, but frankly, I don't give a shit. He's so delicious looking. Okay; I'ma focus. I've known him for almost a year though. He's old but I've probably had more mature experiences than he has. We can relate on a lot of different levels because he has a good work ethic like I used to, but we both complain about work. He's always been there for me and he cares about me. He likes to see me happy. I used to like him, but we drifted apart on that level and moved to other people. But that was most likely my fault. Something I like about him a lot is that he's a virgin. But I hate it too. I feel like I can be fresh and new with him because I want to start treating sex differently. I don't wanna give it away willy nilly. I never have, but I'm starting to think I've given it away to 2 too many guys. But sometimes I feel like I can't be as sexual with him because he won't understand? He's not as sexual as me. Anyways, i'm not in a relationship or anything yet. We're just talking like we always have. Ugh, I miss being with someone. But the love was stress. I don't miss being that deep…unless I listen to music because I get like "Omg, I had that." D=

But oooh he is scrumptious. He has a tight body but then he's so fine and he don't even know it. & how he licks his lips. I have to look away. (:

I'm surely putting my guard back up though. It was down with Gerald, but again, I'm not trying to go fall in love again. Whatever happens...there's no reason for me to have my heart on my sleeve now. I waited with him and it was good so if anything good is to happen to me again, I'ma surely protect my heart until I can trust whoever.

Seduction

omg lately my brain is not getting along with synonyms like i will put there instead of their or role instead of roll maybe i need to go back to 2nd grade gawsh

We are all influenced by our environment, whether we want to admit it or not.  I mean if you don’t follow your environment as a result of this, then you fix what you believe to be mistakes and you learn from the environment.  Same thing with people.  I say all the time that people don’t influence me.  And you can be damn sure I will continue.  But really, I like to discover things that most people don’t know; do things most people don’t do, basically.  So I can learn.  Because knowledge is a passion.  But if “most people” changed, then I would too.  See?  You are affected by your environment, you just might be thinking about it the wrong way.  It’s coevolution.  [:  I heart Biology.

My boyfriend and I were talking on the phone earlier, and I kept telling him that when we go to the movies next week, we’re going in this area in Manhattan called Battery Park, but he insisted that we went to the busy area and such.  And alla sudden he was like “do we have to go?”  Mind you he asked me in the first fucking place.  *I’m only talking about it so furiously bc I love him so much that everything that comes out of his mouth hits me 25 times harder than it does anybody else, or than he thinks it’s going to come out.  So I was just really hurt by that.  I mean honestly, if he completely did not want to go in Battery Park, I could not care less.  I would go anywhere just to be with him.  I really mean that.  So it hurt.  He noticed that something was wrong but I just kept telling him nothing at all you know that whole bit.  But it wasn’t because I was afraid of telling him or opening up.  I’m not.  It was because I felt like if he really didn’t wanna go with me, I must just be losing him.  This whole love thing, my God it’s so much mental work.  My brain goes on overtime 24/7 it’s nuts.  He is such an inspiration to me.  Because of that, I do half of the things I do just for him.  I really do say to myself sometimes “do it for Gerald.”  It’s ridiculous.  I shouldn’t be investing so many of my emotions and so much of my sanity into this relationship when there might just be a Great Depression of love in my future.  And that thought scares me because it’s not unlikely that I would hurt myself in this case.  I think he might be getting fed up with my introversion all over again.  I mean…I THINK about how much I love him, how much he means to me, how much our relationship means to me, and how much his presence in my life is so essential.  I can damn sure write about it and think about it, sometimes tell others about it a little.  But I can never tell him. I don’t even call him baby or ANYTHING.  I just tell him I love him and I call him my hubby to others.  Which he doesn’t know.  But he calls me his love, baby, wifey, his girl, you know.   I just get high off of how he swoons me and then I don’t remember that I should be swooning as well.  I used to call him Sugar.  That was his name I mean I called him Gerald to his face like never.  He would even be taken aback when I did lol.  But that was the months ago, before he broke my heart.  Now, I talk about him as “my sugar” to Danielle sometimes, but I have yet to call him that again.  I just told him that I had not called anybody else Sugar (when we were not talking) and he just…he was touched.  [:  I love when he is happy because of me.  He says that talking to me makes everything seem better; sometimes he forgets things that like went wrong that day.  I love the feeling of satisfying him or making him almost as happy as he makes me.  (Though I could never fully do that.)  I should make him happy more.  At least try.  This has got to stop being a one-sided thing.   Sometimes I subconsciously don’t tell him how I feel and after our encounter is over I believe that I actually did tell him.  It’s freaky.  But then, when he gets annoyed (as any human would, no matter how much he or she loves me), I am reminded that I never really did tell him all of this.  I just really need to.  That’s what tore us apart last time.  My sanity and wellbeing cannot afford to have that happen again either.  Not now, and I don’t know if I ever can.

So I just noticed something about how I never say "wow."  I always stop myself.  I make a conscious effort to.  The only person that i don't think about it with is Gerald.  I always say it with him; i just forget to remember not to.  Yet he is the only one who will comment on me saying wow.  Isn't that odd?  No one else says anything about it, or rather said anything when I used to frequently say it.  But he happens to be the only person I forget to not say it with, and he always remarks.  Like he'll say "hahaa i made you say wow" or something.  <3

He doesn’t understand how deep my communication problems go.  I don’t even want to realize that, myself.  I only recognize it from distant time to distant time.

Sometimes, when I’m writing blogs in Word, I remember that I need to change it to a cool font but I can’t because I am just on a roll.  (: