“tally it’s a 2 way street. and I’m at a dead end.”

5:05 AM Sunday, May 31, 2009

1. I went to a women's football game tonight. I love lesbians.

2. I had a mental breakdown Friday night. Tonight was the first night in a while where I didn't have to cry myself to sleep. And now, I can't sleep, because I can't cry. There's always a reason.

3. Love is not safe. It's too dangerous and I'm its worst victim. He basically beat me down with words tonight and I was just ecstatic that he would say something to me. I wrote about how this would happen. AGAIN. He said it too. It's the same thing all over again. I feel like I have been communicating. But in the last week he has not wanted to talk to me. He's been ignoring my calls. And calling me after he knows I'm not allowed to talk. Wtf is that? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMMUNICATE WITH THAT!? And shouldn't he be communicating too? Which he has been to worried/busy/concerned with me to do that…nevermind. It's all my fault again, anyway you go about it. This is the "dangerously in love" thing when it's at its ugliest.

4. I am extremely on some Jackson shit right now. Minus Janet.

5. I'm not on track with any part of my life right now. I'm so unstable. No one will listen. I told Danielle and she got mad at me basically for making her worry, but everything I told her is the truth. Love is dangerous.

6. About 5% percent of my friends currently are not upsetting me. Most All of them don't realize they are doing it. Like tonight, I was texting while we were at the football game. Normally I don't text while out, but everybody was friend-coupled up, so what the hell am I supposed to do? I hate vags so I could never willingly do that. Unless it's Alicia or Khadijah or Geordan or Jeron basically. So I was texting, and Isaias texted me. I used to like him, last year. But I could never be with him. So AFTER I stopped liking him, we became friends. AFTER that, Gianya decides to like him too. But she doesn't even know him. Anywhom, she got mad after seeing his name pop up with a text, and kept telling me She hates me, I'm a skank. He is my friend. He calls me a homie. I kept telling her I don't want him, I have a boyfriend. (Which hurt to say because I don't even know that it's true.) And she just kept saying she hates me. And I'm like okay. And she's like no autumn you don't understand, I really hate you. Like I want you to die. And in my head I'm like join the club, me and everybody else wants me to die too.! Call me a pussy, but when someone calls me her little sister because I'm "so cute" and frequently randomly says she loves me, and then says she hates me because I'm talking to someone who I have known for longer, who I actually know and talk to, who has told me how he feels about her but I kept it from her so she won't cry, that she "likes," I mean that flippin hurts. It really does. It's similar to what I went through with mom dukes. But I just basically gave her my ass to kiss for the rest of the night, and she texted me later "I'm sorry. I don't hate you. I love you." And I was like "You're being a middle schooler." And she was like "but you're my baby sister. Doesn't that count for something?" And the rest was just not worth shit. This is when I need to talk to him the most; when everybody hates me. But whenever I call (I called an hour ago.), he lets me down.

7. I like numbers. Why does it surprise people that someone who appears to be perfectly fine (& tries to make people think that) is depressed? Why are you people so stupid to still be making ASSumptions? Greg laughs when I do that. (=

8. I'm starting to think that people's theories are true, and me, Geordan, and Alicia really are the same person in 3 different bodies. (: I like that.

9. I don't know whether I should try to break myself away from this love and be emotionally independent, which would be dangerous to my health, or keep doing this to myself. I want the love. I'm too addicted to him at this point. I told myself that if he broke up with me (which he hasn't yet) I wouldn't go back to him again. And every time I say that, I know somewhere that if I don't get my feelings under control, that will be impossible. Because if he leaves me, I will cry myself through the break-up, a month after the break-up, and when he wants me back but I tell him I can't. I will cry through it all. I want the love, and I'm unstable without him. And hell to the no he can't be my friend. Can you imagine if he found someone else? I would really need to be hospitalized.

10. Going through hard times without a mother's love really does screw you for later parts of life. Every time I know someone is beginning to love me on the wrong level (which has happened twice recently that I'm aware of), I don't want him to stop, even though I'm in love with him. Isn't that so greedy? Someone needs to shoot me in the heart.

11. Every time I type "life," my fingers try to type "love." Does that mean something?

12. I'm gonna go watch reruns of SYTYCD on my DVR. I would go dance if my body wasn't connected to my heart, making it so weak right now. I also need to eat more. I love this song. Man in the Mirror.