Shoot me

with semen.

 I always over-do everything.  I overthink.  I have excessive irrational feelings and thoughts.  Essentially, I put people before myself.  I don’t ever expect people to get close to me or ever desire to get close to me.  I never could understand why someone would wanna do that with me.  I could sit there & listen to my ex say all the reasons why he loved me, understanding those reasons, but I couldn’t connect the reasons to me being the object.  It was almost as if he could be talking about someone else.  Whenever people talk about their good feelings towards me, I go blank.  It sounds fantastic because I’ve seen the happiness that it can cause…to whoever it is talking about.  But I can’t ever accept that it’s talking about me.  I know me, and you can’t possibly be saying that I’m this or that.  If I’ve ever made one mistake that goes against that, then you aren’t talking about me at all.  I only call myself smart because girls are dumb.  Honestly, I think I’m less than normal as far as intelligence goes.  But when someone else calls me smart, I just think they’ve bought my façade.  I always always always used to try to seem smart, but now I just accept that whenever I take my pencil out, I need an eraser.  I don’t see myself as smart…everything that I have produced out of knowledge has been redone and redone many times.  If I were smart, I would’ve gotten it right the first time.  No one is harder on my self than I am.  In school, I’m truly never at good terms because everything that I produce there is done with intentions of being 100% correct.  I can’t be content with a 99%, it’s the same thing as a 0%.  I didn’t fully grasp the concepts and that’s that.  I’m so tired of 93%s and 98%s.  I’m so tired of saying that I didn’t get a hundred.  I’ve been in school for 13 years, learning the same things over and over…how can I still be getting things wrong?  When I make mistakes, I dwell and dwell and dwell and hold a grudge against myself.  I don’t even wanna be honored anymore.  I laugh all the time…the last thing I want is attention, so I can’t show people how hard I am on myself, how lowly I think of myself.  There isn’t one person that I prioritize as secondary to me who has spent any respectable time with/on me.  Idk why people do it, but they stay around me.  I can openly say that I hate my ex-boyfriend & he’s the only person that I hate.  I’ve hated him since I began loving him.  & The events in-between just make me hate him more.  But if I had a choice, I would die before I let him die.  You can’t say that that’s because I love him; I’m not even sure if I love him.  If the situation came, I wouldn’t say that I love him.  I’m so unfamiliar to loving my peers now that I can’t analyze if I do or not.  It’s not that people don’t love me..?  It’s just that it’s not reinforced enough for my assurance or my contentment.  I have to be reinsured of how people truly feel about me all the time or else I’ll get really upset & think that they hate me or think lowly of me or wish they never met me.  There hasn’t been one person who I have always believed thinks positively of me.  At some point, I’m thinking that they truly hate me.  Everyone from the janitors at school to people I have talked to every day for some time.  & I can never joke about the word hate.  If they say it, I believe it forever, no matter what comes after.  I feel like anyone who has spent respectable time on me deserves that I care.  Whether they feel negatively or positively about me, I feel like they’re better than me or more praise-worthy than me.  I wouldn’t even spend time on me…no matter what the time is.  I’d rather die before someone who cared enough to get to know me dies.  When I make mistakes, I get devastated.  And when people repeat anything that I have said, I feel as if what I said was wrong and they are mocking me.  I overreact when I’ve done something wrong, or when I’ve forgotten something.  Idk what exactly I’d rather do, but anything is better than that situation.  Like when I forget a book in my locker, it’s a horrible process.  I feel like everyone is staring at me, I get worried that the teacher will embarrass me & put me on blast in front of everyone, and I feel like everyone in the world will look at me as if I’m a terrorist.  That is truly what happens to me every time I make a mistake.  Everyone will know, someone will announce it, and everyone will think that I’m not shit afterwards.  And when someone else says something, commenting on it in a negative way, I always have to scratch the shit out of my knuckles to keep from crying.  My lip never quivers because I’m scared that I’ll get attention & people will think I’m mentally unbalanced.  Sometimes I joke and say “why don’t I just kill myself now” but it honestly is a brutal internal process when I make a mistake.  When people comment & try to help, I try to be as casual as possible & gear towards forgetting that anything ever happened.

I don’t consider it bad self esteem because that seems so negative.  I’ve accepted it…it’s just my reality.