Seduction

omg lately my brain is not getting along with synonyms like i will put there instead of their or role instead of roll maybe i need to go back to 2nd grade gawsh

We are all influenced by our environment, whether we want to admit it or not.  I mean if you don’t follow your environment as a result of this, then you fix what you believe to be mistakes and you learn from the environment.  Same thing with people.  I say all the time that people don’t influence me.  And you can be damn sure I will continue.  But really, I like to discover things that most people don’t know; do things most people don’t do, basically.  So I can learn.  Because knowledge is a passion.  But if “most people” changed, then I would too.  See?  You are affected by your environment, you just might be thinking about it the wrong way.  It’s coevolution.  [:  I heart Biology.

My boyfriend and I were talking on the phone earlier, and I kept telling him that when we go to the movies next week, we’re going in this area in Manhattan called Battery Park, but he insisted that we went to the busy area and such.  And alla sudden he was like “do we have to go?”  Mind you he asked me in the first fucking place.  *I’m only talking about it so furiously bc I love him so much that everything that comes out of his mouth hits me 25 times harder than it does anybody else, or than he thinks it’s going to come out.  So I was just really hurt by that.  I mean honestly, if he completely did not want to go in Battery Park, I could not care less.  I would go anywhere just to be with him.  I really mean that.  So it hurt.  He noticed that something was wrong but I just kept telling him nothing at all you know that whole bit.  But it wasn’t because I was afraid of telling him or opening up.  I’m not.  It was because I felt like if he really didn’t wanna go with me, I must just be losing him.  This whole love thing, my God it’s so much mental work.  My brain goes on overtime 24/7 it’s nuts.  He is such an inspiration to me.  Because of that, I do half of the things I do just for him.  I really do say to myself sometimes “do it for Gerald.”  It’s ridiculous.  I shouldn’t be investing so many of my emotions and so much of my sanity into this relationship when there might just be a Great Depression of love in my future.  And that thought scares me because it’s not unlikely that I would hurt myself in this case.  I think he might be getting fed up with my introversion all over again.  I mean…I THINK about how much I love him, how much he means to me, how much our relationship means to me, and how much his presence in my life is so essential.  I can damn sure write about it and think about it, sometimes tell others about it a little.  But I can never tell him. I don’t even call him baby or ANYTHING.  I just tell him I love him and I call him my hubby to others.  Which he doesn’t know.  But he calls me his love, baby, wifey, his girl, you know.   I just get high off of how he swoons me and then I don’t remember that I should be swooning as well.  I used to call him Sugar.  That was his name I mean I called him Gerald to his face like never.  He would even be taken aback when I did lol.  But that was the months ago, before he broke my heart.  Now, I talk about him as “my sugar” to Danielle sometimes, but I have yet to call him that again.  I just told him that I had not called anybody else Sugar (when we were not talking) and he just…he was touched.  [:  I love when he is happy because of me.  He says that talking to me makes everything seem better; sometimes he forgets things that like went wrong that day.  I love the feeling of satisfying him or making him almost as happy as he makes me.  (Though I could never fully do that.)  I should make him happy more.  At least try.  This has got to stop being a one-sided thing.   Sometimes I subconsciously don’t tell him how I feel and after our encounter is over I believe that I actually did tell him.  It’s freaky.  But then, when he gets annoyed (as any human would, no matter how much he or she loves me), I am reminded that I never really did tell him all of this.  I just really need to.  That’s what tore us apart last time.  My sanity and wellbeing cannot afford to have that happen again either.  Not now, and I don’t know if I ever can.

So I just noticed something about how I never say "wow."  I always stop myself.  I make a conscious effort to.  The only person that i don't think about it with is Gerald.  I always say it with him; i just forget to remember not to.  Yet he is the only one who will comment on me saying wow.  Isn't that odd?  No one else says anything about it, or rather said anything when I used to frequently say it.  But he happens to be the only person I forget to not say it with, and he always remarks.  Like he'll say "hahaa i made you say wow" or something.  <3

He doesn’t understand how deep my communication problems go.  I don’t even want to realize that, myself.  I only recognize it from distant time to distant time.

Sometimes, when I’m writing blogs in Word, I remember that I need to change it to a cool font but I can’t because I am just on a roll.  (: