boys too.

I don’t understand or like how us girls hide our feelings all the time.  I mean, it only hurts you in the end, so why would you do that unless it gives you joy or something?  I hide mine too.  But I really do wish I could make myself stop.  I’ll try my hardest tomorrow to remember my REAL feelings and emotions during my school day.  That’s the only place where I hide what I’m actually going through.  Except for when Gerald was shot…then, I needed a few hugs even during school.  But I don’t do it on purpose.  I mean I wish I could show “me.”  But as soon as I start talking to my acquaintances there, I think I feel pressure to be Autumn who does all her homework, studies, and is happy and confident through all the shit she can live to talk about today and also through the hate she goes through currently.  Therefore, subconsciously, the real me gets pushed deep away, I laugh a whole lot, and I have to put on the act.  And then on the drive home, I’m smacked with reality and I get upset again and resort to my addictions.  I need to balance the extreme fakeness with some extreme reality through blogging my true thoughts.  I really do want to stop.  I don’t even like the Autumn that people expect of me.  I like me.  They should know me.  I shouldn’t have to cry out on blogs bc I hide the way I am all day.  I should cry in school.  I’m going to cry in school.

 

…I wonder if the tone of my blogs depends on what font I type them in…