so much, TOUCH

Well there is just about nothing on this shitty blog of mine. There has just been so much going on; I’ve just been like it’s too much to even get into. But my insomnia has opened the doors to time to express myself. (= Now I have 10 minutes to do this, bc I want at least 5 hrs to do my hw. I’ll probs finish in less time than that so I’ll add another one if that’s the case. So lets start with my hubby. There’s no doubt in my mind that I will always call him some variation of hubby (ex), bc that’s simply what I feel that he is in my life. He can come in, after we haven’t spoken for a month, and after a few hrs of talking to him I will be back to calling him hubby again. Anyway. Allllll of my friends know about him now. I told him that too. He kind of asked if that was a good thing, but in his voice I could hear that he was damn happy about it. I wonder if his friends know about me. But I can’t bring myself to ask. Well, last last Thursday he was shot…it was like the Tuesday after that that he began going to school again. I know, he is a lunatic. But you know what, my baby stays on his grind and I am proud. He’s proud of me too, and I don’t even have to do anything. Just do my hw, or go to school that day, or look out for my sister. Why doesn’t someone better than me have him? Doesn’t that seem like the sensible thing? I constantly wonder when his mrs. Right is going to come along and burst my bubble. But then, he did tell me some moons ago that he thought I was perfect for him. I just know I am his misses. I know, I contradict, but somehow my brain is thinking of both these too things. It doesn’t even makes sense to ME! But that’s what’s coming out… /= Whatever You Want by Tonytonitone blahblah however it goes. Just listen to it kay. I think I really need some sex. Idk if it’s making love or sex that I need, but I need something sexual. It’s definitely not fucking. Something is telling me that I need to have sex with someone other than Gerald to refresh myself. And I know I really just do NOT wanna do that. From the pit of my heart I don’t. And it doesn’t even seem like it’s bc I don’t wanna hurt him. I feel like I sincerely just don’t; if I was in the situation, I wouldn’t do it. Anyway. When I found out he was shot, (his really close friend Trey told me) I was not taking it seriously. I was like wtf. What is this? And he was like im so serious. But see, he was telling me this BULL that pissed me off later bc of how sad and scared it made me. He asked me if I had any fucking last words for Gerald. That is my hubby. Can you imagine how that feels? Last words. It took me like 30 min just to basically say that I will always love him bc he will always have my heart; my first love. How can he ask me to do something like that? He also said some BULLcrap like “his plane has crashed, his ship has sailed “ fwadala… I’m like…first of all, how can your bitch ass tell me this shit like this. It sounded like so heartless the way he spit it. I really don’t have anything against him though, he just scared me so much. My heart turned to charcoal that’s how I felt. And second of all, I was just like no, Gerald won’t die, I know he won’t. And his stupid self goes “I cant guarantee that.” Maybe I am just spoiled bc Gerald always knows what to say, but penises should DEF know that you shouldn’t say that to like the victim’s lover. Wtf? Brain? Is it there? I’m sorry. I know people can act weird in times of like trauma and big events and junk. But that’s how I felt. Time’s up. Bbl with hope.



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