You're Gonna Have to Bear With Me

Because man has he ticked me off.  We’re speaking of Blue.  He has done and said some really poopy disrespectful things to me lately, but the real problem is that he doesn’t claim me.  Now my blog has gotten much of my emotional ride with Blue, so am I really nuts for expecting him to claim me at this point?  Really?  This fool got a few of my firsts…I don’t think I regret that, but I treated him as if I were in a relationship with him…everyone knew that.  But that is definitely not true for both sides of the equation.  Even when I would argue with him or ignore him, I would still look at somebody like they were crazy if they asked if I were single.  And it is really messed up that I am in this alone.  I gave him that letter, not because I wrote it for him to read, but because I thought he wanted to read it so he could try to change.  And he claims that he is trying to change…that he’s been trying to make me happy or whatever he says. ßThat was really shady of me (: But I don’t think he should even have to try…he should just love me and everything else should come naturally.  I’m not even sure of how he feels about me.  It would be significant for him to try, still, but clearly this isn’t something one can force.  We used to be in this together; two in the same or whatever.  Why do I keep saying whatever as if I don’t care about this negro!  It all makes me actually believe that he just wants me for sex and stuff.  We would be so in tune with each other when he came to see me, he’d be so sappy afterwards.  Those were the days he used to call me “my love” and all that.  Blue is my favorite color.  OH THE IRONY.  I don’t wanna have to ask him why he doesn’t treat me the same anymore.  Everyone already knows how miniscule my regard for relationships is.  Do me right or we don’t have to associate.  The freakin’ end.  It’s like begging someone to BE your boyfriend.  It IS begging someone to be your boyfriend.  I kept trying to act like everything was fine and dandy and we’d keep restarting.  He’d apologize and I’d say it was fine, but in a few days it was back to him living the single life.  And me, pretending I had a boyfriend who actually meant it when he said he’ll always love me because he’s never felt this way about someone.

The continuous making up is not even the problem; that is a part of relationships.  The problem is that he started to treat me like a side chick.  He started saying bye without saying I love you, expecting me to cater to him with nothing in return, refusing to talk about the future with me anymore; everything that used to be the thrill of our relationship.  And when he did talk to me, he was only interested in how I could physically stimulate or please him.  That is not being in a relationship and it is truly irrelevant that you want to keep the pretty girl happy or whatever.  It doesn’t mean that you care for or want to be in a relationship with her anymore.  If you want me to act like we’re in a relationship, you can’t act like you’re single.

Who do you think you are and what do you think we’re doing?

I don’t even know what happened to you, and I’m not even sure if I ought to give you the benefit of my rational/logical doubt, but I do know that you are not worth all of these tears.

May 3, 2010