o r a l

"Will you tell me all the freaky things you are?"

It really sucks in a twisted way how when you are itty bitty, you clearly see who you wanna be, where you wanna be, and how you wanna live, and when you get further in HS and around graduation-time, you have no idea what your future holds or what you want it to hold. There's just so many options...or th opposite. You get lost. Everyone in my generation is basically scared of being bored with life after this phase is done...when we have to support ourselves. I'm not scared about making money though. I feel like being bilingual and having basic office skills and experience

"I'll go deep as I can, giving you the rest of my love." -Performed by Usher

He sounds like Maxwell in that though.

will get me enough money while I'm working on my ultimate dreams. Anyway, when I was little and everything was clear to me, I wanted to be married to a guy named Mason, have two adopted kids (girls or boy and girl), live in a nice 4-bedroom house, and work at home, bringing my patients into my office. I've wanted to be a psychologist since I was in 5th grade, but I always knew I wanted to work at home. Lol, to explain all this: Mason did not exist. I've never known a person named Mason. I liked the name, and I wanted to get married, definitely. Now, I would like to get married later but only if my heart is completely with that guy and the feelings are mutual. I don't wanna have eyes for anybody else, and same for him. If that proves impossible for whatever reason, I'm not getting married. /= When I was younger, I was terrified of childbirth. Now, I'm not scared of physical pain that isn't pure torture..basically, I would give birth in however many years. Other thoughts on that..I'm not having raw sex with any guy that I don't feel would be responsible enough to take care of his fatherly duties and show our child the love it deserves. & if we fucking raw, we're in a serious relationship. And we have discussed our plans for life and a future family. Otherwise, we not fucking raw. Lol. Honestly, we don't have to plan on being together forever because I want to have kids even if I'm not gonna have a life partner. I'm not waiting, when I might find my life partner way down the line. I want kids...later. When I can support them fully, how I think children automatically deserve. When I was younger, my life plan was more surrounded around family life..I never had a nuclear home. I lived in my ma's upstairs apartment with my mama til I was like 4. Then we moved in with Rolo, and I had 3 new siblings living with me. It was 5 other people in that house, and then 6, but everyone had lives of their own. I had toys. No one was raising me or giving me attention and none of us were close at the time. Then me, my parents, and a new sister move here..my mama is always mad and my pop is never home. I'm just close to my sister. Basically: nothing was never normal or intimate in my house. So I wanted a close family of my own. & a big house to have a nice image. "Image" has left my priorities so long ago now. Idc, and I like small homes. So now I want to live in an apartment when I'm older..with whomever else.

Now..what I have been thinking about lately is my future job dedication. It's always been psychology for me..but Im so close with music. When I was younger, I wrote lyrics but I stopped because it was always about a boy that later made me mad. (I never chased boys, but I was highly infatuated. I always had a crush. I was always quietly sprung.) I don't want to just write music though. I only write lyrics about love and that bores me..I wouldn't wanna make it public because it's really not what I enjoy. I used to write poetry about everything but that almost depresses me. It's too melancholy but I am really good at it. I might do it from time to time these days, but I don't plan on living off of that later either. Still, music is close to me. I've always loved to dance and dance calls me the 2nd most out of all arts. I stopped dancing at a studio 2 years ago and i dont miss it. That wasn't for me; I just enjoyed the stage. Choreography is what I love. I love watching choreography, but I love making my own to R&B even more. I choreograph partner pieces though.. & I do want to do it when I'm older. I'm just not sure if I want to study psychology though still. I still like it, but I want to choreograph more than anything. It's a chancy industry which scares me. But once you get your name out there, you're done trying to make it..it's just chancy.

This song pisses me off ]: since it tells the exact essence of my last sex routine: "I want you on top. I want you to find your favorite spot. When you find it, make your body rock. You got my heart, Im gon finish what you start; make your love come down.

Then I'm gon get on top..and once I get there I'm not gonna stop. Til I feel your body gettin hot. You got my heart, wanna take you to the top; make your love come down."

On Top-Performed by Trey Songz on Anticipation

Ugh, I suck.