I just cannot comprehend that I haven't spoken to you in so many years. We were great friends; I only am saddened now that you cant see who I'm growing to be, and who I'm growing up not to be. Guess what? Bubby's a mom. Yeah I know. It's the weirdest thing. Her kids are cool, one is a week old! Oh wait, she's married too!! I know, and it's a white dude too. Gotta love her lol. (: I know you would have lots to say about him…he's cool though he's very respectful being from Florida and everything. He's got some tattoos like bubby, so when Oscar, her son, was born, I was saying how he was gonna paint all over his body to be like his parents lol. Especially his back, because of that monstrosity, as you and mommy called it, she has on her back lol. We're used to it now, when her back is out and everything. It wasn't as weird seeing her pregnant, just now saying that she has 2 children O= and simply that she is a mother. Everything is happening and I wish you were here to argue with her about mothering and everything. It would be beautiful. I just really like how ever since you left, her and mommy talk every day. That's so cute, even though mommy complains. She complains about everything god. I been slipping in school, but we won't talk about that…if you were here it wouldn't be happening! Yeah. Sorry I had to go there lololol. <3 okay what else. We have a mixed president. Okay so you would never say that, you would just be hollerin BLACK I know. But yeah, he's mixed, just like Bubby's babies lol. It's pretty cool I must admit. But don't feel bad & stuff, trust that aunt Maxine repped him enough for you and she both. You should have seen her. Last summer I helped her register voters, she was all proud of me being able to speak a Spanish to the Hispanic citizens, and I'm so sure that that was you. I feel closest to you when people come to me for help…questions, advice, to talk at any hour, just all that. Because I know that's just what you were to so many people…I realized that when all them black folk showed at the funeral. All these people I didn't even know. And I thought I knew so many of your friends…at least 50 of them I had met…and then their families on top of that..Ma you're crazy. I plan on being just like you. So back to your grandbabies. I miss that. How I was your first granddaughter, even though you wanted to choke mommy for having me, and I was so much to you. Your pride and joy, more than I am mommy's today. You told everyone about what I was doing now, my latest report card, something I'd said. It was always about how smart your mallywitz was. I miss it so much. I get so lonely ma and I just wanna call you. I need it. I wish you could see Oscar. You guys would be enemies at first, but then you would hit it off I know it. Kinda like what you and kota almost had. I feel so sorry that she never fully got to know you, and you just thought she was a spoiled brat. I agree. (: I love you ma. Nobody hugs me as tight as you did. I miss you so much. Wait wait. Love you too much two touch kiss it ma. (= im gonna teach Oscar that this summer. Hes gotta know. And two touch too. (= I miss that so much. We're holding up okay though, except for mommy. Its so many things she wants to do, but she has so much grief holding her back. She wont talk to anybody about it and I know its just holding her back. And I hate that you would be the only person who she could listen to...oh man idk if I wanna talk about Grandma and everything…since granddad died, she was just pretty empty. And then she was diagnosed with dementia…and now shes gone. She's still here of course…but ma she says the most out of this world things. It scares me. And she isn't fully herself. Mommy and bubby will just rejoice when she is kinda there, but I cant take that…its only watching her leave us, in my eyes. And man that hurts bad. She's sitting right there in the room, and her soul, her drive have left us. She's not there and there's nothing I can do; it hurts. She talks about you sometimes, but only that you d*ed. And pop pop too. His death wasn't as hard for me, since he was only out of prison almost 2 months before he d*ed. But I did love having him back. I miss him asking me had I been watching the history channel, him stuttering, him asking about school. NOW that they decided to tell me all his troubles, I know I could have had so many things to discuss with him. What else. I have a boyfriend. He helps me cope with the hole you left, but he doesn't know that. Just that he's always there and he loves me unconditionally, and when he hugs me its like he won't let go until im okay. It's not as tight though (= that's for you. But I really love him. I think I would have loved to be with you both all the time. I think you would like hearing about him. Just not some things. (= but don't worry because I'm smart, I promise. I'm doing okay, I'm growing a lot ma. I miss your voice so much. Right after you d*ed, I remember everybody talking about calling your house, and your voice was still on the machine and it hurt them. I would look at your number WHICH I STILL REMEMBER BY HEART on my phone and think about calling, say I was going to do it. But I never got the courage, until it was disconnected. I cried…I wanted to hear you so badly. I remember when I was in costa rica with rolo, and I was talking to you and mommy on 3 way and I had just seen this spooky movie that I shouldn't have seen and you were asking how was I how was costa rica and everything. (mommy really wishes she could have brought you one day, and she gets sad when we go to pretty places) and I was talking all dead-ish sounding, completely uninterested. And you said how I must not have wanted to talk or something commenting on me not wanting to talk to you. I'll always remember. I'm so sorry. I was scared, ma. What else. Oh soul man. I think he's either dead or doing drugs now. He gave mommy and bubby so much grief about it all after you d*ed. I'm sorry ma, please forgive me, but he sucks. All that that he put mommy through, I wanted to punch him. Oh uncle Malcolm gave her some annoyance too, but that's non of my business. Oh yeah, I was saying to myself once, that I know you would have made EVERY SINGLE 18+ person you KNEW up in bedstuy (which is everyone in bedstuy) register to vote. (= I know. So, ma. I hope you are having just the best time ever wherever you are. And thank you for coming around every once in a while when I need you. Thank you so much ma for everything since before I was born. I'm taking piano now too! We haven't gotten to karate yet…slap mommy into some sense if you really want it done..i know you're throwing the best parties wherever you are. I hope you met james brown and tell him I love him! & long live the godfather. And I hope you get to see Michael Jackson too. Idk if you'll see any of these people, but still. Tell him he is not alone. Don't be hard ma, he's a tainted man. You know that was mommy's boyfriend. Lololol, yeah everyday since that Thursday now, she blasts Michael jackson for at least an hour. Idk why she didn't have off the wall. I did. But she just got hers in the mail. She bout the wiz on dvd. My vhs of it is still at Grandma's house. So I was really mad when they didn't get my dress up clothes from your house!!!! Like really, I could've played with kota, or now baby cyra. Isn't it crazy that we have a boy now too??? Like its so weird. I knew he was gonna be a boy though. I think I'll always be closer to him. Don't tell bubby that though…but yeah, they don't even make dress up clothes like that anymore tsk tsk. I LOVED mine. I have a picture of michelle and I wearing them at your house though, it makes me so happy all the time. I LOVE the pictures of us all with you in florida. And that one with just me and you in the Jacuzzi. Ma you were definitely my best friend in childhood. Im sorry we don't talk more. But I always have moments wanting to talk to you about something, or tell you something. I would've spent entire summers with you now ma. I miss your cooking!!! Even though…yeah. But I do! & I haven't even HAD creamed corn because it will never be like yours. I miss you so much ma I couldn't even explain it. I miss your blasting OOOOLD music around the house, telling me stories relating to each song! Your house was my favorite place ever. I just want you to know I kept your belief alive and I was NOT in favor of them selling it..but you know. Wasn't my decision. I love you ma. Love you too much, two touch, kiss it MAAAA! :D




& even though I might invite auntie Gloria and aunt max in the position where you would have been, I'll never try to replace you or think about it. You are an angel…there will never be another you. Just had to make sure you wouldn't get all jealous like you do! Oops, I didn't say that. (:



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