You’re Fired, Friend

1. I have a really bad headache and it's been coming every few days at night and it just feels like weight to me right now…just mental weight.

So, she's from school & she stalks me as much as she can. She's one of those people that will obsess over anyone who gives her an ounce of kindness…and I'm not the one to judge people or give them stink looks because of what I've heard of them. So I've heard that she is very very annoying, which I have found also. She lives for attention, and for some reason, she thinks she is supposed to get it all the time. No one gets the attention that they want 100% of the time, no one. She tries to make it seem like her life is a lot worse than it is in order to get attention. She is ugly. Her appearance is ugly, and she is an ugly persona. She's evil at times. She's one of the people who I cannot stand or understand for the life of me, who will be so negative to people that they do not even know. I've been to really low points, and so has she, so I cannot understand how she will not be sympathetic towards someone who has publicly undergone a psychiatric meltdown. Whenever he's in the conversation, and I'm talking about him normally, since he's one of my good friends, she just goes "He's psycho" and she says it as if she's scared to death. I really don't know the details of what he's gone through and I can't say but so much, but I'm his friend and I don't know. She's someone in his hate/deathlyscaredof group who refuses to communicate with him, so how the hell could she know? It's very unlikely. That just really pisses me off, people like that.

I've been judged so so much by people who are now really close to me, because they'll realize that I'm not as basic or usual as they think I am. It happens with just everyone. I cannot think of one person who hasn't said "Wow, I didn't expect you to be …" or "Wow, I thought you were…"

I write in here as if no one will ever read it. But then, I talk to people without thinking about how they will react. It's kind of the same thing.


So every night, she has an away message saying "I hate my life" or "I'm so depressed." So when I see them, I like freak out, because figuratively, if that's not a cry for help, idk what is. So I'll message her whats wrong and stuff. And she'll be joking around and everything…I know that people can try to hide depression and stuff. I know depression in and out from experiencing it so much & so deeply from time to time ever since I was 11…but when I talk to her, it's not depression at all. She's so over her's, for the time being anyway. And I really just do not appreciate her trying to get attention when the thing's she's claiming to feel are not what she's really feeling. That's so phony and cold.

She has done things to get my attention when things have gotten busy for me that were just coldhearted and rude…things that really hurt. People have heard the scenarios and called her a retarded bitch and questioned why I still kept in contact with her. And it's really just this. When I see the messages at night about how she's crying herself to sleep and when I remember all the horrible things that she's told me have happened to her, I feel sooooo bad. I just want to help. And I see every day in school (saw) that when she saw me, she was so happy to have someone who was gonna say hi back to her…so I felt like if I could put a smile on her face with a hello and be there to listen to her problems, sharing my own experiences, I did everything I could to contribute to her happyness. But now, if she wants to be all phony, I can't put up with it.

I haven't the slightest idea what I'm going to do all about her, so I just have to end it there. And when I told her once about something she did to me that made me uncomfortable in our friendship, she just said okay and never changed it. I feel like she knows that I am the person who will never stop trying to reach out to her no matter how much it beats me up, so she just keeps pushing my limits. There's never gonna be one. /=

2. I had this problem with Alicia during my frosh year. We both enjoy each other's company. We both care about each other. Everyone says that she, Geordan, and I are 1 person in 3 different bodies. Is that not the weirdest thing? Anyways, it's very different from a best friend sort of thing. Yes, Alicia is always on my hip and yes we finish each other's sentences, act as the epitome of weird & different, notice the same odd things about stuff, and sometimes the same exact thing will come out of our mouths in reaction to something, but don't do the touchy feely best friend bit. We don't ask each other what's wrong, even though sometimes it just comes out, and we just don't check up on each other like that. But we still know the wrongs and rights that are going on in each other's lives. One time last year, I noticed this about our friendship and I said to her how I have no friends, my friends don't care about me or something of that nature. And she said to me, I'm sorry, I'm your friend. And it doesn't seem like a lot, I'm sure, but from then on I just felt like…everything is understood in our … friendship? Idk what to call it, it's really odd. But yeah. Without things being said, we're just understood. The only thing is, I am the selflessness and caring-ness in all three of us. Them two are some selfish bitches and they always use that part of me but it's like it's balanced because there's some trait of one of each of us that the other two drain for use…that probably doesn't make sense, but none of it does! But yeah, I'll do them favors that they will never do for me and they can do things for me that I could never do for them. & I really can't consider them friends, because the way I see friends, I don't see them at all. They're just people of me.

But the same basic thing with Geordan and Alicia, how we don't do the touchy feely friend thing, is occurring way too much with other people. Some people find me entertaining and everything and they enjoy my company, but when it comes down to friend stuff, they don't take on the task of being a real friend. That is the shittiest stuff I have ever heard in my life. Like how can you appreciate my personality, but when it comes to asking how I am, or how's my life, you fail. A friend to me would be someone who is sincere when interacting with me, and who is open to caring about me. One without the other; I can't be your friend nigga... You have to let me know who you are when it's just us, and be willing to care about me because a friend cares. Don't do things because they're righteous and they're what you "should" do, do them because you genuinely want to, as a friend. And it's fine with me if you don't feel it as a friend to do whatever, but you won't be considered a friend broham lol.

It's pretty odd how I befriend the people that everyone else is scared of in my school. I'm an OG I know they ain't nothing to lose sleep over lol.

It just annoys me when people do that with me. If you have never asked me how my day is going, how I'M DOING, etc. with genuine care, bitch you ain't my friend, you just know me.

3. So I need to fuck. Every guy is looking like a hot piece of ass to me lol. I've never had this problem while in a relationship. It's like, me and Gerald have to many feelings between us to actually fuck. Fucking is just like rah rah bang bang bang noisey loud brash all that. Having sex is strokes, slow riding, moans, gasps, mental closeness, like reeeeal orgasms that all the sex is just leading to..with fucking, the sex part is FUN and the orgasm is like GAH THAT WAS BOMB let's do it again sort of thing. With having sex the orgasm is like yum, let's kiss on each other now or go to sleep. And it's nice really, but I miss fucking. I just want to fuck. Some ass-smacking, name-calling, rough & hurting fucking.



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